You guys, you guys, you guys!
Remember that one time I was hugely pregnant?
Well, I no longer am, because…
A BABY CAME OUT OF ME.
OUT OF MY BODY.
Let me set the stage for you:
It’s Sunday afternoon, March 29th.
Colson and I are in my “birthing suite” (read: hospital room).
I’m hooked up to an IV, being fed ungodly amounts of Pitocin and something called “Lactated Ringers,” which are not, in fact, drugs that make you start lactating (I asked).
There’s a 12-hour Friends marathon playing on the television (the big guy upstairs really wanted me to have a fun day).
First of all, I would like to start by saying that this whole “birthing” experience has made me really impressed with modern medicine.
Going into this whole ordeal, I didn’t want an epidural. I wanted to go into labor naturally, and control the pain by sitting in a tub of warm water. I wanted to breathe through the contractions and do it all naturally and at the end, be like, “Yeah, I did that. What of it?”
So I made it through centimeter 1 of dilation: Easy peasy.
Centimeter 2 of dilation: Psh, child’s play.
Centimeter 3: Period cramps, dude.
4: Okay, I can feel that.
5 (and upon my water breaking): HOLY CRAP ON A CRAWFISH, I CAN’T DO IT I CAN’T DO IT GET ME THE MEDS BABE I DON’T EVEN CARE CALL THE NURSE RIGHT FREAKING NOW OR I’M GOING TO MURDER YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY *expletive* *expletive* *expletive*
So, this really nice anesthesiologist came in. The first thing he says?
“Can we turn down the TV? Friends is my favorite show and it might distract me.”
*Instant Lifelong Bond*
The second thing he says?
“Did you know you have a slightly curved spine? I’m going to give you a strong dose because otherwise I’m afraid it might only numb half of your body.”
Then, while my awesome nurse Danielle held my hands and helped me breathe (and cuss) through contractions, Friends Fan Anesthesiologist stuck a little needle in my back (OH THE BURN), followed by a larger needle, which I luckily didn’t feel because of the aforementioned smaller needle.
Colson and my best friend Ola were watching this whole process, and apparently it is the freakiest thing ever.
What happened next?
Oh, I’ll tell you.
WONDERFUL, JOYOUS RELIEF.
For the rest of the day and largely into the next day,
I. Felt. Nothing.
I’m telling you: I don’t know if this is just how epidurals are, or if I’m a small human who got injected with a large amount of pain medication, or if my body just reacts very strongly to anesthesia, but HOLY BANANAS, YOU GUYS.
I. FELT. NOTHING.
The rest of the labor and birth was a snap.
The nurse would be like, “Get ready! Here comes a huge contraction!”
And I’d be like, “Oh, really? Is it happening? How about now? Is it over?” all the while watching Friends and not really paying attention to the insanity that is giving birth to a human being.
So, the next few hours were a breeze – 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 centimeters dilated and no pain to show for it (but lots of good Friends shenanigans!).
Then, around midnight, my awesome nurse Danielle (I can’t just call her Danielle because she truly was awesome) informed me that soon we’d start pushing.
“When will my doctor come in?” I asked.
“Oh, we’ll call her once we can see the baby and she’ll wake up and drive over here.”
So, about an hour later, I started pushing, which is NOT like it is in the movies with all that heavy breathing – in fact, you’re supposed to hold your breath while pushing, so… moviemakers, get it together, please.
Awesome Nurse Danielle warned me that first-time moms usually push for a long time, anywhere from 1-3 hours or longer. Apparently Jolie was ready to join the world, because after 20 minutes of pushing, we could see her hairy little head and they called the doctor!
Which, again, is weird, because then I had to just lie there for 15 minutes with the top of her little head peeking out, waiting for my doctor to roll out of bed and stumble her way to the hospital.
Then, when Awesome Doc got there, I pushed for a few more minutes and
So, little Jolie Rey was born during an episode of my all-time favorite show, Friends. I considered naming her Phoebe, but then I realized I don’t actually like that name.
Colson filmed the whole thing, and you can hear the commercials playing in the background while I’m pushing and laughing and honestly paying more attention to Ross and Rachel than anything else (thanks, Anesthesia Man!).
And look who is now in the world:
And so, at 2:17 a.m. on March 30, 2015, I gave birth to 6 pounds, 11 ounces of pure adorable.
Jolie Rey, we are really excited to be your parents!
Thanks for joining our little family. 🙂